kids of flight ("an hour in omaha and i was looking for a tornado to take me anywhere")

sitting watching waiting
scenery and worlds go by at sixty five miles an hour but i am still
blasting new counting crows like minefields into my ears
we pass the austine school for the deaf
i close my eyes and suddenly i don't think i can quite understand the world anymore
two hours later i am home and ungrateful again

bentley girl in a dirt road world


i wish i could just camp out in your mind. you are brilliant.

there are worse things

than being alone. there is feeling alone and when the people around you make you feel alone or make you want to be alone. misery loves nothing more than business and business is good. there are some people who just cannot be saved. they are not self medicating, they are just sad. and there is plenty to be sad about, if you think the right way. it depends on how ell you want to sleep at night. i just can't put myself to sleep at night because i hate waking up every morning. literally the worst part of every day is having to get up and face everything around you. the headaches are constant because not only is my brain always on overdrive and overworked but it is sick and tired. my thoughts are continuing to abuse it, just living each day to day is enough. i tell myself this because i don't want to be waking up every morning for her. because i don't want to be living for her. and i don't want to be thinking about dying for her. even though i know that is the case. i think differently than anyone else in this world. i know because if someone else thought this way they would understand me for me. for the sole reason of understanding and not because their brain needs misery to get off. none of this is sensible or understandable because my thoughts are ashes. they have fallen off the end of that one cigarette you smoked. they are a lover being scattered across the ocean. eternity. my head is not a machine. time has worn away at the metal and left my soul singer, sitting alone a rocking chair and a metal cage. a crowd as far as the eye can see. yes i am lost but mostly i am anxious. i worry about taking the next step because i've taken wrong ones before. i am afraid of loving you again because i've hated you before. i love blowing my thoughts off for a comfy place to sleep because i've never met a dream i didn't like. they allow me to experience things i strive for without having to deal with the consequences. my whole life has become a consequence except i am living in it and not just sitting it out.
and i talk about it like this because it seems less real that way.
there is nothing you or anyone else can do to repair the damage i've done over the past few years.
she is irreplaceable and i am fearful. it was a disaster from the start.
i wonder how deep this can cut me . i cannot stop the blade i can only wait to bleed.

i must belong somewhere

i've been stuck for so long going through the same old tired motions every minute another chance to say that i am fine. spent so long convincing others of this i realize that i myself have forgotten what is real. this is real and so are the bottled up emotions of missing you and regret and displacement, that are always busy being channeled into anger and reservednesses and quiet. and i have come to realize that there is no one i can say this too outloud. the words are hurtful and they sting surprised ears, they are too much and too late. i dont know that you care enough. that are too many jokes and dropped names, they seem inconsiderate of reality. how much do you really know. telling might ruin what i've held close to me for so long. at the same time i want to burst and scream in your face that this is me and i can't help it. i want help reaching out and recovering what has been stolen from me. i am part of a machine that noone understands. they are too caught up and even when i am too i can never forget. it is the permanent backround of my mind, reminding me of my mistakes of how my life changed completely with the combination of a few minutes and a message. it all seems strange and desperate to me but there is no denying my heart. there is nothing i wouldn't do to recover from this, or to at least be able to spit it all out without having to deal with the consequences. my eyes lower and hands shake when i'm walking by because i fear that everyone sees right through me and at the same time i wish they could ever know or understand. meanwhile you are my globetrotter and i am just an object in a blank space. the laws of probability are against us. we are armless and defenseless. my mind is awake at all hours of the day thinking. its strange how two things can be together one minute and in a split second go in opposite directions for years. it is only a matter of time before these two meet again, i am fearful of this because i dont think my head can handle it. secretly i am always wishing this could happen but it won't and my stupidity and naivety will keep this in check. the reality of this continues to dismantle itself before me. piece by piece i can see that the years of facades have clouded the severity, the way this lives deep within me. the roots are far beyond my minds ability to reach, they are thriving. i know you and the mistake i made of letting you go is something i will always remember. this thought keeps my head up through countless nights and it hurts physically to even think about this. to think back years ago to how i was thinking the same way. i dont know why noone gets it, or why i dont trust anyone to. maybe because we were special or maybe because i havent let myself get as close to anyone like i was to you. not ever. yes everyone screws up but i am an artist and she is my masterpiece of disaster. all i can do to sleep is imagine a time very distant from here and pretend that it is real. it is a hurtful joke i am constantly playing on myself but it is all i really have to make it through. i am tired and miss you like hell but i'm also a fuck up and deserve everything i've gotten. all i can hope for is that my faith in you keeps you as the better person and one day puts us in the same place or allows my head to dream of such a thing.
in the meantime i'l continue to walk by. i will laugh at awkward situations and jokes that are not funny. i will agree on things that i actually do not. i will ignore the random dropping of your name.
just the sound of it repeats in my head and leaves a burnt taste in my mouth. you are incomparable in any other form besides the one that god gave you. you are safe in my head but i am not. i wonder how much longer i will last.

i don't know where you are

everyone loves you isn't that enough. fight words with words .. i finally come up for air looking around it seems like everyone has changed except for me. there are certain days in february when the weather just bothers me

"welcome to the coalmine, canary"

strange lessons we've learned the hard way:

Don’t run up stairs with your eyes closed

If you feel like doing something stupid, don’t do it in front of a cop car

Running up wooden stairs with socks on isn't the smartest thing in the world to do

Don’t ride bikes that are too small and have no brakes down a steep hill with a stonewall at the bottom.

Don't look down while you're pushing a cart, you'll run into something, and people around you will laugh.

Do not ride bicycles when you can't reach the brakes. Especially near rivers.

Don't use your face to catch a softball.

Don't try to impress your friends by seeing how far back from the pool edge you can go, and still dive into the water. Otherwise, you will hit your head on the edge and be rushed to the hospital where you will get staples in your head.

Check for friends/relatives of people before you go shouting about how much you hate the person.

When you're cooking macaroni and cheese, don't forget to add water before you put it in the microwave.

Don't think you can jump from a car hood to another. You will only get hurt.

Don’t talk about bitchy waitresses with the people who work in the kitchen, because they'll end up being married to the head chef whose children you're talking about.

Don’t let your friends push you in a shopping cart especially if there's a hill with an expensive car at the bottom.

Don’t run downhill in snow, you will bust your ass.

Don't eat dippin dots in hat stores.

Don't use a plastic fork to get flaming toast out of the toaster.

Every flavor jellybeans really are every flavor. Handfuls of them are bad.

Don't hold cats or pet them if you're allergic, no matter how much you like them.

Don't ride bikes down steep hills with speed bumps in the rain. Ever.

Don't tell your religious grandparents offensive Jesus jokes. No matter how funny they are.

Letting your friends ride on the hood of your car IS a bad idea.

Don't jump off a stage even though you know you can land it.

Don’t hang up Christmas lights in the rain/.

Never listen to Slipknot when your grandparents are around.

Never duck when something is being thrown at you because you might hit your head on a wall.

Don't use a metal can opener to pry a plug from an outlet.

thank you the oh nos

6 degrees could change the world

"Unfortunately in life, all you can do for the people you care most about
is watch over them, you cannot make decisions for them."

a year ago today
we found that new noise is in fact meant for ears
but when there is nothing to look forward to
except the darkness of your room at night
waking up and sliding into the daily grooves
seems that much less important and bearable

thank you for the memories

"This isn't gonna be easy but I don't need you, believe me.."

every morning starts with a goodbye,
the bus pulls out of the station and|
they are left with only photographs
of what just happened there
the dirt turns into a revelation ground of sorts
you're leaving for another dead end town,
another to bring to life
you understand that each show is the same
but the lines are different and so are the crowds
and i don't get why you'd want to talk to me,
there are other smiling girls,
there are others waiting, always waiting.
there are other back porches being filled with music,
they are cold and shivering for more.
i don't know what you do when you're gone,
how do the crowded rooms really feel
i think someone might begin to notice
or say something
when you go missing again and again
you may soon forget,
but the phone calls let me know
i shouldn't be waiting for them
it's not right, but i find myself every early morning,
expecting

i've gotten more calls early in the morning
about ice patches and crashes
than any other
disasters out of our control
but just the idea of us being forced apart...
brings questions about him to my mind
i don't know what is right anymore

and i just can't get that final look on your face out of my mind
but these last nights nightmares have it broken,
scraped with torn metal features

but you have walked away from this like others could not
others have not been so lucky and i can't help but be reminded
of previous years
i need to hear your voice to know that you're okay.